Monday Night RAW Review 7/7/08: RAW of Average

Heading into Monday night I was nothing but amped about RAW, as their previous two shows were nothing but a delight to watch. The draft, which aired two weeks ago, lived up to its hype because all the right wrestlers were moved to the right places (for the most part), and created some potential mouth-watering rivalries . Last week’s episode, unexpectedly, was even better than the draft, as CM Punk relieved Edge of his title in Edge-esque fashion by cashing in his MITB briefcase when the rated R superstar was down. So after bearing witness to two classic episodes back-to-back, why shouldn’t I have expected another excellent episode; one where we saw those exciting new rivalries unfold?

Because, apparently, nobody told me that WWE creative returned from their two-week vacation just in time to muck things up (I would’ve liked to use another word there beside “muck”, but since I’m writing this from the office, I found the closest possible word).

You see, all joking aside, the last two weeks weren’t a sign of things to come, as I proclaimed in my previous column where I said the WWE “was back”… sighhhh, how naive I can sometimes be. Those two weeks were just two weeks where creative overachieved… something they tend to do a couple times each year. Now, after two of the best shows we’d seen in all of ‘08, creative returned to their normal selves followed up with this for the most recent episode:

• CM Punk vs. Snitsky…,…,… bwah?
• A segment where John Cena spraypaints “JBL is Poopy” on JBL’s limo… ugh
• Kofi Kingston vs. Charlie Haas… CHARLIE HAAS?!?

First off, CM Punk vs. Snitsky came out of nowhere. They have had nothing to do with each other, and it should have stayed that way. Other viable opponents for Punk could’ve been Paul Burchill, Chuck Palumbo, Cody Rhodes, or even Ted DiBiase Jr… you know, somebody who has at least been in the ring these last couple of weeks. The Kofi Kingston vs. Charlie Haas match was also confusing, out of the blue, and absolutely made no sense. But the segment of Cena spraypainting “JBL is Poopy” on JBL’s limo really took the shitty shitty carrot-cake. Bravo WWE creative, bravo; that was some of your finer work.

The only highlights of the night were the solid promo between Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels, Kane turning heel, and the pretty decent fatal 4-way main event that had JBL, Batista, John Cena, and Kane battle it out for the #1 contender spot (Speaking of which, the match was fun to watch, and I was glad to see Batista take the match home, as a Batista-CM Punk rivalry is something I’ve been hoping for since I saw them both get drafted to RAW) .

So there you have it-another night filled with WTF’s and ???’s. Expect the trend, for the most part, to continue. Expect the WWE to have Cena continue to make himself likable to children so that the WWE can keep churning out merchandise sales, but also expect Cena to ostracize himself from everybody else above the age of 10 aka the WWE’s TARGET FREAKING MARKET.

Expect Kofi Kingston to be placed in random, out-of-nowhere matches, and for the IC title’s once-prestigious reputation to continue to lose its luster.

Expect the WWE to rip CM Punk, the most likable, heavyweight championship-worthy wrestler to come along to RAW in a long time, away from the WWE Heavyweight Championship.

Basically, just expect nothing. That way, once WWE creative goes on another two-week vacation, we’ll be that much happier when something relevant, something fun, something that makes sense, happens. I know it’s a glass-half-empty view, but I’d be damned if it wasn’t the right one.

Like A... Vegan?

I'm a man with a sick gambling history... the WNBA, the Scripps' National Spelling Bee, competitive video games with friends, etc... I thought I had reached the anti-pinnacle of Gambler's Anonymous.

But there I was, sitting with my family inside the Potomac Mills mega-mall food court, enjoying a SPECTACULAR plate of Teriyaki Chicken/Rice from one of the many little Asian food joints inside the mall. I turn to my brother and go on and on about how this plate of chicken may have been one of the best meals I've eaten all year. Then I said that, if this were the last time I ate chicken, it would've be worth it...

My brother turned to me and told me I couldn't even go for a month without eating meat, let alone a longer period of time. My response? None other than the classic, stupid competitive gambler inside me:

Care to make it interesting?

So here I am now, in the middle of one of the biggest bets of my life: No meat. No noodle meat broth. I'm not even able to order entrees and remove the meat. One entire year... well, now only 363 more days as I write this, until the next time I take a bite out of any once-living animal. $1600 is the cash I stand to gain, but more importantly, my ever-so-important elder-brother pride and willpower are on the line too.

My brother has already began tempting me by ordering some of the most delicious meat items he possibly can, then waving them in my face (aka karma for poking fun at my vegan-mother my entire life). He fully intends to make this next year a living hell for me. And you know what? I'd probably do the same if I was on the other side.

Will I make it? Probably not, but if I can do this, I can, literally, do nearly anything I want.

XHeadlines

I was recently contacted by the webmaster of XHeadlines, a pretty popular wrestling site that not only keeps track of the latest rumors/news, but also has a few writers write up opinion columns for them. The guy asked me if I was interested in writing a column of my own for them-he had me at hello FYI-, and after emailing each other back-and-fourth regarding some questions I had, I was hired!

So now I'll be writing up some WWE-related opinion pieces for them here (check out my column, "Neil's Highlight Reel" if you'd like!) on a near-daily basis, but that does not mean I'll stop writing about the WWE here.

Atlantic City

My my my, where are my manners? Heading into last weekend, I informed you guys that I was heading off to Atlantic City for the weekend with a friend, but I failed to give you guys the results. My apologies!

The first night was, well, interesting to say the least. My friend and I got there around 11pm, as traffic was god-awful the whole way through on I-95. The motel that I made last-minute reservations for didn't exist... it really didn't. I mean, I knew the place was far from the casinos, exactly eight miles away according to the site I booked the reservations through, but when Mapquest led us away from the bright lights down into a two-lane road with no discernible sign of man, street lights, nor street SIGNS, my friend and I started discussing whether or not we should find another place. It was at that point that we starting driving by random serial-killer-looking people who were walking down the street carrying bags of god-knows-what, and we decided to book it and get back to an area where there were at least witnesses lest we be killed.

Upon our return to the Atlantic City, we stopped by the Tropicana to sneak in a few hours of poker before searching for a new place to stay. After losing about a hundred after five hours of play, I told my friend it was time to look for a motel, one that wasn't in an area where we'd fear for our lives.

So there we were, driving around AC at 5 in the morning, looking for a place to stay. We didn't bring too much money with us, so we were looking for an $80/night place. Basically, we were cheap, homeless bums in pursuit of the cheapest, grimiest motel around. Unfortunately though, every place we stopped by not only was charging some absurd amount, but they were charging us said absurd amounts with the stipulation that we'd have to check out by 11am since, after all, the hotels had obviously conspired against us.

Anyways, about an hour into our search, we lucked into a $75/night place six miles away from the city (called Sunny Side Motel if you're curious). The area this place was located wasn't exactly a place you'd feel too safe staying, but then again, it wasn't like the psycho-infested area our other motel supposedly was around either. Luckily the room came with a mini-fridge on wheels, and right before we went to sleep, I pushed the fridge and a mini table up against the door so that I'd sleep comfortably.

We snoozed into the wee hours of the afternoon, and after a quick bite to eat, hit up the tables at Borgata. I proceeded to break exactly even after a four-hour session despite losing a $200 runner-runner, I-can't-believe-he-called-me-down kind of pot. We grabbed some dinner at the food court by the poker room, and after discussing some strategy, were ready to play another multi-hour session. Too bad my friend dropped most of what he had left over and asked if I was ready to leave, because I was ready to sit there well into the night (but of course I said yes to him).

So, overall, I lost a little bit, but nothing to complain about. I think that, besides two key hands where I wasn't aggressive enough, I played pretty optimal poker (I may go into further detail with those hands later). I was hoping to be back in AC the weekend of July 18th, a weekend my friends and I have planned on going for a while, but a cousin of mine, who is getting married on the 25th, is having some pre-wedding ceremonial crap that she guilt-tripped me into attending. I fucking hate weddings.

CM Punk Wins the Title plus a RAW review

So good ol' JR made his way to the ring to open RAW. He got on the mic and said how much, over his years on RAW, he had enjoyed his time. He said he hoped the RAW fans would follow him over to Smackdown on Friday nights and enjoy listening to him and his new partner, Mick Foley. Edge's music then interrupted JR mid-sentence, and out he came along with the Edge-Heads.

Edge grabbed a mic and told JR that his arrogance never failed to amaze him, as he believed that nobody cared about JR leaving RAW. Edge said that JR could truly validate his Hall-of-Fame career by coming to Smackdown and calling a future Hall-of-Famer's (his own) matches. He said that, instead of the usual "Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold!" phrase JR used to utter, he'd now be yelling "Edge Wins! Edge Wins! Edge Wins!" instead. He then asked JR to try it out right then, but JR refused and threw his mic down. Edge told his two sidekicks, Hawkins and Ryder, to escort JR out of the ring, and they did just that.

Once those three had left, Edge began speaking directly to the fans. He said that, now that JR was out of there, he had no reason to remain there. He poked fun at RAW by pointing out they had no General Manager, let alone a champion. This went on for just a little while longer, and he exited the ring.

As he exited holding up his Smackdown Heavyweight Championship Belt, Batista's music hit and out came the Animal, who was obviously angry the way Edge cheated him out of the title the night before at Night of Champions. He chased Edge and eventually caught him. The fans went crazy as Batista really layed into Edge with haymakers left and right. Batista then got Edge in the ring and Batista-bombed him.

Batista was making his exit up the ramp, and I was thinking that the segment was over, since it was already 9:20 and we had hit no commercial break... how wrong I was.

CM Punk's music then blared out the speakers, and he immediately made a bee-line for Edge with his MITB briefcase in hand, who was laying in the ring because of Batista's beat down. The crowd obviously sensed what was going on, and the crowd got even louder than before. Punk got in the ring, told a referee that he was cashing in his briefcase, and proceeded to give Edge his trademark finisher, the 'Go To Sleep'. Moments later, to the surprise of WWE fans across the world, there was CM Punk, holding the Smackdown championship up in the air as he stood on the turnbuckle. The crowd was in a frenzy, and at that moment, I realized the WWE was back.

After a Divas match, where Mickie James defeated Jillian Hall, Rey Mysterio came out the following segment to speak to the crowd. He said things were weird for him, because although he was excited to be on RAW, it was strange to be away from Smackdown, where his entire life and career unfolded.

Santino Marella, one of the best promo guys in the business, then came out and proceeded to diss Mysterio. Mysterio was about to respond, but Marella told him to shut his face. He continued and, after bringing up Mysterio's recent WWE magazine cover pic on the titantron, said that he didn't get what all the Mysterio hype was all about. Mocking Mysterio, he said "Look at me. I'm Mysterio. I'm more tall than Hornswaggle. I like cookies. BOOYAKA! BOOYAKA!" Marella said he wished he gave the WWE one of his own pictures to put on the magazine instead, and then, on the titantron, showed a picture of himself in just in underwear, holding a rose. He said that, if this was a poster, everybody in the world, even men, would buy it and put it up on their bedroom ceiling. Marella then got back on topic, and said Mysterio hadn't yet been on RAW because he didn't deserve to, as the show was used for true rising stars. He said that if Mysterio didn't mind his own business, he wouldn't have a good time here. (By the way, if it isn't coming across here, I should probably tell you that this was an excellent promo)

Mysterio was finally given the opportunity to speak, but he let his actions speak louder than his words. He took his mic and whacked it across Marella's head, then 619'ed him.

In the next segment, CM Punk was backstage with Tod Grisham, and his World Heavyweight Championship was draped over his shoulder. Grisham gave his congrats to Punk, and Punk said that he was speechless. He said he had so many people to thank, including Batista for that assist, and then said that he was feeling awesome. CM Punk's face then went a little sour, and once the camera zooms out, we see that it's because JBL was standing across him.

JBL gave a demeaning shrug, sort of like an "I can't believe you're the fucking champion" kinda shrug, and said Punk shouldn't be proud that he beat up a helpless person to win the title. Punk said that at least he was THE champion. JBL responded by saying that Punk could either go home, knowing his title win was nothing more than an asterisk, or he could prove himself against JBL in a title match. Punk asked JBL if he really wanted to "be the first one", and JBL responded yes. Punk said ok, and the match was on.

John Cena came out the next segment to a big cheer, and said that he couldn't believe JBL bullied his way into a title match. Cena then said that he liked Punk because he was a fighter, but he also believed that Punk would've said yes to anybody. He then openly asked Punk that, if he had the option to wrestle JBL or Cena, who would he choose?

JBL then came out, drawing some major heat from the crowd. JBL said that Cena wouldn't get the opportunity to fight Punk for the championship, because JBL was declaring Marshall Law that night. He said that he was going to become champion tonight, and he couldn't have Cena in the building to mess things up. Six big security guards came out, and JBL told them to remove Cena from the arena. After Cena put up whatever fight he could, JBL's security team dragged Cena out of the building.

Ted Debiase Jr. and Cody Rhodes, fresh off their betrayal of Hardcore Holly, had a squash match against some young tag-team duo whose names I can't remember. After the match, they said that, because of all the talent they had, they deserved whatever they wanted, and that they were, ugh, absolutely priceless. These guys may have all the talent they said they have, but they get, literally, no reaction from the crowd. It's a joke these guys are the tag-team champions, because nobody gives a fuck.

The next match of the night was Chris Jericho's rematch against Kofi Kingston for the Intercontinental Championship. Back-and-fourth the two went, each seemingly countering the other's moves. It all led to a sequence where Kofi first rolled up Y2J and pulled on his tights. The ref didn't see it, but Y2J kicked out anyways. Jericho then rolled Kingston up, and blatantly pulled on Kingston's tights to try and pin him illegally. Unfortunately for Y2J, the ref caught him and DQ'ed him for his actions, meaning that Kingston retained his Intercontinental title. Being the heel he was, he bitterly gauged at Kingston's eyes after the bell rung, and the crowd responded with some boos.

The main event, a title match between JBL and the champion CM Punk, was underway, with JBL's personal security team surrounding the ring. The two wrestlers exchanged blows to start out, JBL using his power and Punk using his trademark kicks, but JBL eventually seized control of the match with a headlock. Punk got out of the headlock with a crisp arm drag, and followed that up with a few leg kicks. He got JBL out of the ring and went for a baseball slide. He missed though, and JBL then hit Punk with an excellent clothesline. The action went back into the ring, and JBL locked up Punk in yet another headlock. He then threw Punk into the turnbuckle and charged at him, only to have Punk's boot connect with his face. Punk connected with his trademark knee in the face as JBL stood against the opposite turnbuckle, then clotheslined the challenger afterwards. JBL attempted to counter with a clotheline, but Punk dodged it and hit JBL with a kick to the head, then a flying clothesline after bouncing off the top rope.

Cena and Cryme Time then showed up on the ramp, and began to kick the crap out of JBL's security in an attempt to even the odds for Punk. JBL got distracted by the commotion outside of the ring, and when he turned around to face Punk, he got GTS'ed and that was that. Punk retained his title, and the crowd was going nuts.

Huh...

So I'm balding... damn.